Phuket, Day 5 - Bumper Boats & Elephant Butts

Day 5 was our last day of excursions.  We were going elephant trekking and white water rafting.  I did NOT want to go rafting, as I had mental pictures of mountains, huge waves, 20 foot drops, being sucked into a hole - never to be seen again, Kevin Bacon kidnapping me on the river and trying to murder me and my family...wait...that was a movie.  But you know what I mean.  It did not seem like fun, nor did it seem safe to me, but I did it.
Tiger picked us up in his usual garb:  white Crocs, white towel on the head, hard hat and hibiscus flower in the collar.  Oh man, how I miss that little dude.  He put a flower in my seat every morning, which always ended up in my hair and super-wilted by the end of the day.  We start our hour-long drive to the raft place and Tiger decides that we need to see a waterfall.  It was pretty enough, hanging bridge to walk on and take photos.  We were the only ones there until....the pung pois showed up.  Tiger quickly took the camera from me and went to town.  He would act like he was taking a photo of a plant or rock or bird, but was really taking pictures of the big women, stripping down to take pictures in the waterfall.  I think he mentioned a tsunami when they jumped in...he's kind of rude, but there are no big people over there at all, so it's like when we see Yao Ming.  He's a giant to us...we are giants to them.
After the photo shoot, we arrive at the raft-rental place.  We arrived before the other tourists, so Tiger asked the owner if we could see his elephant.  Apparently, the owner had one as a pet.  I forget her name, but she was beautiful.  I felt bad because her feet were all chained together so she couldn't run off.  She knew tricks, though!  To say thank you, she would curtsey, cross her legs, bow and blow her trunk.  She could also do a hula-hoop on her trunk as well as play the harmonica.  She was so sweet and I wanted to take her home, but I doubt I could afford the freight on her.  There's that whole, no elephants in your back yard rule, too.
We drive down to the water, or what there was of it.  The river was low.  Texans, it was low like when you go tubing and you have to walk your ass down the river or scape-your-hiney-the-whole-time-low.  I ask Tiger how in the heck we are suppost to raft down this booger.  WELLLLL, they open the dam once a day to allow for rafters to have white water.  COOL!  Except one time a day equals everyone who wants to raft going at the same time.  NOT COOL.  It was like bumper boats.  Seriously, you couldn’t even paddle because there was another raft touching yours.  I'd say there were at least 75-100 rafts out there.  Since there were four people per raft plus two professionals to keep us afloat, we had another pair with us.  They were two guys from China who spoke no English.  None.  Brian had his GoPro camera strapped to his helmet, so we have the whole thing in HD video.  Pretty snazzy, eh?  I thought so and so did the Russians, the Chinese, the Arabs and zee Germans that were on the other boats on top of ours.  We floated by a boatful of Arab teenagers and I yelled, “Marhaba!” (Means "Hello!")  I got the stink eye.  Whatevs...they had no idea how "in" with their peeps I really am.
The guides thought is was hilarious to splash all of the rafters with water using their paddles...that water was effing cold and it was not hilarious.  Tiger, meanwhile, did not raft with us...he was running down the river taking "action shots" of us....and pung pois (again).  Brian said the rapids were Cat 1-2, so they weren't too big, but I ate it a few times and had a butt rash from wearing shorts like a doofus.  When the locals who live on the river see the water rise, they come out and make fun of the people in boats.  It was pretty funny to see them in their lawn chairs, sitting in front of their rubber tree forest, laughing at us, while their pet elephants roamed around the property.  YES, they have wild elephants on their land like we would have cattle or horses.  Fun Fact:  Elephants can only sleep for 3-4 hours a day.  The rest of the time they spend eating.  If they sleep too long, their legs will fall asleep and they can't get up.  Towards the end, when the water was calmer, the guides let Brian captain the boat and then asked me to tip them.  "Miss...miss...you tip us when we get back...money."  I guess people don't normally tip them, so they wanted to make sure their hard work was compensated....the splashing and making me miserable and whatnot.
Once we got back, we had lunch without seafood, and saw their mailman.  A dude on a moped with two huge bags on either side...like you would see on a motorcyle, but bigger and overstuffed.  They guys also brought around the baby elephant mentioned earlier to do his tricks for the entire crowd.  I was feeding her some pineapple and the next thing I know, I'm being herded to the side of her and they made me get on her. Those things are prickly and not comfortable, but she was sweet and will forever be known as my favorite pung poi.
After lunch, we were going elephant trekking.  The only part of this I enjoyed was when it pooped.  I'll get to that in a bit.  The "handler" sat on her head, kicked her ears to make her move and stabbed her repeatedly with this hook thingy.  I felt so sorry for her.  It was hot as hell and the poor thing would stop in every piece of shade could find...again, he would kick her and stab her with the hook to make her move.  The last few hundred yards of the trek was up the river, so she was able to stay cool and moved without abuse.  She did stop once, though, to relieve herself in the river.  I don't know if you have ever seen elephant droppings, but they look like coconuts.  She dropped three huge poops into the river and I laughed my ass off while she pooped hers off.  Not sure why it was so hilarious, but if you know me, you know I talk about it a lot.  This entire paragraph is probably inappropriate, but I'm not known for being so.  POOP.
Once we made it back, Brian gave the handler cigarettes for a tip.  Those things get you a long way in Thailand.  Keep that in mind if you ever go.  They work better than they do in prison - not that I would know.  Seriously, I wouldn't.
We started heading back to the hotel and Tiger wanted to take us to a really nice beach as our last stop.  His friends owned a little cafe on the water.  Brian and I walked down the beach and Tiger was our photographer.  We climbed palm trees that had fallen over and I fell off.  Yes, he got pictures of it...you may or may not get to see them.
We got back to the hotel and said our goodbyes.  I'll miss Mr. Tiger "Meow" Woods.  He was the BEST and made our experience unforgettable.

Phuket - Day 4, Monk Belly Rubs & Flying Monkeys

We arrive at the front lobby at 9am where Tiger is waiting for us in the soft-rockin' Forerunner...flower in the collar, but no hard hat since today we are going to tour Buddhist temples.  We had to dress respectfully - knees and shoulders covered.
During the drive to the first temple, Tiger asked, "Do you watch Rambo?  ..and that other good movie with the big guy - Predator?  Oh...and Black Hawk Down?"  He informed us that when he was growing up and the Rambo movies came out, he and his friends would "play Rambo."  He also likes the NFL and the NBA.  This is how the Thai's portray Americans...sports and war movies.  Interpret that how you will.
Also, during our drive, Phil Collins's "Another Day In Paradise" came on our soft-rockin' station and Brian and I took a moment to reflect on where we were and how lucky we were in life to have this opportunity.  It was a very peaceful moment, one I will cherish always and then Tiger pointed out a lady-boy.  He then introduced us to the phrase - coined for large people the rest of the trip - pung poi (pronounced pung pooey).  This translates to "elephant lady."  Used in a sentence:  Oh, that lady, she eats too much, she's a pung poi.  Every large person he saw was a pung poi.  And he would say it out loud, within their hearing distance.  Oh, Tiger...it's a good thing he usually wears a hard hat.
The first temple was the coolest to me in regards to design.  It is half way up a mountain, accesible only by 150 steep, rickety stairs.  You bang a bell with a small gong-thing every 20 or so stairs to let the monks know you are coming to pray.  Each bell had a different tone, so the sounds were songlike when combined.  Educational note:  Monks live in the same temple their entire life.  They are allowed to visit a neighboring temple for a few weeks a year, but other than that, they never leave their temple.  Back to the story:  We get to the top, completely out of breath because we are pung pois and see a monk right off the bat.  People make them lunch and bring it to them.  The monks pray with the people while they eat.  Throughout the temple, there are, what I would describe as, praying areas with Buddhas and candles.  People leave juices and water bottles for the monks.  Everything they eat or drink is from the local community.  They have no money and pay for nothing.  We tour through the temple, which is comprised of caves, with dirt floors, rock formations, monk rooms (for them to sleep in) and meditating areas.  Their room is just a small glass box with enough room for a small mattress and room to change clothes...probably the size of a large pantry.  Once we were to the bottom of the stairs, leaving to go to the next temple, two Thai ladies started talking to Tiger.  They asked him where we were from, he told them and then one of the ladies gave me a turtle shell ring.  Just because...she said it was for good luck.  I wore it the entire trip and we were never kidnapped, never got Montezuma's revenge, nor did Brian get hit on by a lady boy.
The second temple was much nicer.  It was actually constructed by the Princess of Thailand, so it was much more fancy....in an actual building vs. the side of a mountain.  Outside, people had brought food to this large gazebo area and the monks would come out and eat with them.  The monks had finished by the time we arrived, but we were offered the leftovers.  I politely declined, even though I wanted to be a pung poi and partake because it smelled so good.  The locals then gave the leftovers to the dogs.  Sidenote:  Thais LOVE their dogs.  Tiger literally cooks for his dog two times a day.  They eat the same thing as the dogs.  It's like another member of the family there.  Back to the temple...You pay to get in, but then they give you 60 coins equal to the entry fee to put into 60 Buddha statues.  You are supposed to say a prayer at each one, but let me tell you, with no disrespect to the religion, it was very tedious towards the end.  Tiger, in the mean time, was running around taking pictures of buddhas, and I don't mean the religious figures.  After the coin tossing, we went into the main temple where two monks were hosting a prayer session for the locals.  The walls had paintings of the birth of Buddha, which was very interesting, and I have to say similar to the Christian birth of Jesus.  It was uncanny.  Virgin mother, the whole shebang.  I mosied around and saw a neclace of teeth.  Yes, teeth.  Apparently, when people lose their teeth, they bring them as an offering to Buddha.  It was disgusting, but very cool.  After the monks' prayer was over, one of them came up to Brian and started patting his belly - Brian's belly, that is.  He was talking to Tiger, asking where we were from and in Thai he said, while rubbing Brian's stomach, "Oh, big American boy!"  It was pretty damn funny and something I know I will never forget.  A monk rubbed my husband's belly....HOW COOL, RIGHT!?
We left that temple and headed to the...wait for it...MONKEY TEMPLE!  This my favorite in terms of coolness and bucketlist-checking.
We stopped for lunch at this restaurant over-looking a river.  We were seated in our very own cabana with a beautiful view of the river.  I had to, again, practice my usage of the squatter toilet.  It was not a success.  In my mind, my new nickname was Tinkletoes, but I wasn't going to let anyone know that.  The food was great, except I don't like seafood...the soup had squid in it, there was fried shrimp and some other weird stuff floating around that I couldn't stomach.  So, I decide I'll eat the fried chicken wings.  First bite and they are bloody.  OH GREAT, I'm going to get diahrhea in the squatter bathroom now...how will I explain my feet then?  Alas, I was fine, THANK YOU TURTLE-SHELL RING, and we continued to the next location...where the monkeys were.
I could not wait to get my hands on a monkey.  I had been looking forward to this moment for months before our trip.  I couldn't wait to get a picture with a cute little monkey on my shoulder, feeding them bananas, you know...MONKIES!!!  So, we arrive and I saw so many....wait for it....construction workers, making a ton of noise, digging in the dirt with their tractor-things.  Guess what I didn't see.  Yeah...monkies.  Not ONE.  They didn't like the noise and had escaped to the top of the mountain.  Very disappointed, we go into the temple where I see more Buddhas, more cool caves, blah blah blah.  My day is ruined at this point because my sole goal of this trip was to play with a furry, little, bare-butted monkey.  I look up in one of the caves and what before my very own eyes should appear???  A MONKEY!  In the temple, there were monkeys.  YAY!  They wouldn't play with me, but at least I was close to one, right?  We go back outside and the construction had stopped.  HOLY CRAP, I'm going to get to play with monkeys.  They were everywhere!  Tiger bought some fruit, not bananas, because they preferred the fruit.  I walked down to their watering hole where they were swimming and, I kid you not, it was like white on rice.  They were all over me trying to get to this fruit.  I had one actually scratch me because I was playing tug-o-war with the fruit.  In the end, I got to play with the little dudes and I was a happy camper....covered in what I thought was mud, but was told differently by Tiger.  I'll let you interpret what else would be brown and all over my arms.  Yeah.
Another, non-monkey-related incident at this temple, we were standing by the fruit vendors outside and one of the ladies had a puppy with her.  It was very young - its eyes were not open yet.  Brian picked it up and it peed all over him.  Tinkle-t-shirt!  He should have had my turtle-ring.  We thought it was done, so he started loving on it again and the flood gates opened one more time.  It was funny.  Poor Brian...a monk called him chubby and a dog peed on him. It was not his day that day.
We head home after Tiger pointed out, and photographed, more lady-boys and pung pois.  I saw another elephant in the bed of a truck.  Apparently, that's how they roll in Phuket.  We also learned that Thailand's main crops are palm oil, cocounts and rubber.  The rubber tree farms are very cool and all of the houses connected to them have these nifty machines that roll the rubber sap into rubber sheets.
Once we were home, we went shopping, drank some Singha Beer (the Original Thai Beer), ate some street food (which, thank my turtle-ring I didn't get ill) and lit some more good luck lanterns.  It was a great end to an exciting, monkey-playing, monk-filled day.

Phuket - Day 3, Introducing Tiger The Tour Guidee

For our first excursion we decided to go to James Bond Island.  It's the part in "The Man With The Golden Gun" where the plane lands in between two islands on this perfect, little sandy beach and I'm sure some kind of sex/shooting scene ensues.  I don't know, I've never seen it, but the place looked cool, so we went.
We were told to be at the frond desk at 8:30am.  I wish someone had taken a picture of my face when our tour guide, Tiger, arrived.  It was probably the face of "Is this guy serious?" mixed with "Should I get in the car with him?"  He was around five feet tall, wearing white Croc's, with...wait for it, a towel over his head with a white hard hat.  OH...and a flower tucked in his collar...a red hibiscus for mental picture's sake.
We get in the SUV and are on our merry way.
Let me side note for a second.  The SUV was a Toyota Forerunner, very nice and clean and had the MOST AWESOME musical feature.  It was a small touch screen in the back seat that we could control.  The music ranged from:  Kenny G, Michael Jackson (who I have a story about later), Bette Midler, Phil Collins, Michael Bolton...you get the gist.  We were soft-rocking our way around Thailand.
Tiger begins the conversation like this, "My name is Tiger, like 'meow', like Tiger Woods.  My friends say I look like Tiger Woods because of my black skin.  When my wife is not around, I am a Tiger, when she comes to visit, I am 'meow.'"  This was all in broken English, mind you. "My wife, she used to look like Olive Oil, but after two kids, she looks like Bluto.  She's a polar bear."  Tiger was OBSESSED with large people.  I'll get to that later. He then asked Brian what he did for a living and he replied with, "I'm in the US Military."  "OH!!!!!!!!!!  You    wear stars on your shoulders?!  You the big boss man?!  Do you shoot people with guns?!"  For those that don't know, stars on your shoulder makes you a General.  It was pretty damn funny.
After an hour of Tiger's hilarious commentary, we arrive at the dock to get in the "long boat" for the ride to James Bond Island.  This boat was probably 30 feet long, with slats to sit on, covered by a tent, powered by a car engine with a paddle.  Yes, a car engine.  YES, that's what I said.
We motor our way through mangrove forests and out to the ocean.  This place is fabulous.  The mountains are covered in greenery, the water is clear and huge rocks just pop up out of the water.  It's so neat-o and a very unique setting, for sure...especially with Tiger as your narrator.  There were two mountains that he called "Booby Mountains."  The entire time we were on our excursion, he had taken our camera and was our personal photographer.  This was a great thing as we now have TONS of photos of the two of us together; however, we also have TONS of pictures of large people in canoes, large people at the temples, large people everywhere, booby mountains, elephant butts, etc.  TONS, people.
We arrive at the island and it was swarming with tourists.  It was cool to see the place, but it had definitely been taken over by the locals selling crap.  This beautiful location now has tons of shanty-looking shops to buy touristy trinket crap.  It totally takes away from what the place COULD look like, but I'm sure there are other places nearby that are just as beautiful without the shops.  I could stop bitching and remind myself that we DID sign up for the touristy crap...what was I expecting?  So, there's that.
After the island, we had lunch at a floating city.  Seriously, the entire thing was floating in the middle of the bay.  People build on to whatever is already there and it keeps growing.  This restaurant, however, was my first experience with the "squatter" toilets.  It's a hole in the ground, with little planks to place your feet that you hover over and hope you don't get your feet.  I was not successful and tinkled all over myself.  That's all you need to know.
After lunch, we boated to another floating place that rented canoes.  Brian and I got in one canoe with a paddle-man and Tiger got into another canoe with his own paddle-man.  We canoed into caves, saw bats and natural rock formations.  It was amazing and one of the most beautiful places I've been.  Canoeing into an open-air cave....I really have no words for how beautiful it is.  It's like a scene from the movies.
Our canoe-paddle-man was Thai Muslim.  He told us this very quickly and subsequently asked where we were from.  We replied with Qatar...it's a safe country to reply with since he had just informed us that he loves Allah.  He somehow deduced that we were from America, though, and would say a name and do a thumbs up or thumbs down.  They were as follows:  Obama - thumbs up, George Bush - thumbs down, Osama bin Ladin - thumbs up.  GET ME OFF OF THIS DAMN CANOE.  Brian gave him his cigarettes as a tip, I quickly hopped back on the long boat.
Once we were out of the grasps of the Thai-Muslim-Osama-Lover, we headed back to the dock.  The tide had fallen significantly.  By significantly, I mean about 5-6 feet.  We could see nothing but the roots of the mangrove trees we were previously eye-level with.  We hopped off the boat and back into the soft-rocking Forerunner to head home.
Tonight we had our single-table roof-top dinner.  It was fabulous...the best food I've ever had and that is saying a lot.  Like promised, there was no seafood and the wine was room temperature.  The chef brought us some Chinese "good-luck balloons."  They were the lantern balloons that you light on fire and they float away.  They are beautiful and it was another cool thing to do that I had never done before...which seemed to be the ongoing theme of this trip.
Oh, and to get back to the Michael Jackson part...According to Tiger, "Michael Jackson is a lady-boy that loves tomahawks."  Do what you will with that information.

Phuket - Day 2, Rub-A-Dub-Dub

Day 2:  We woke up at 2pm.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...we are lazy.  NO.  We were jet-lagged and decided to take the first day off to recoup.  All we did was lay by the pool, meander to a late lunch, set up our excursions for the week and book our massages for the day.  I MUST tell you all that if you go on vacation...book the massages at the END.  It is a worthless cause to loosen yourself up for a week of exercise when you are completely out of shape.  BUT, it was nice thing to have on the first day.
We hung out at the house until lunch, we ate, and booked our spa time for later that day.  After that, we went to the front desk and chose our excursions for the week.  (Basically, the touristy stuff we wanted to do for the next three days).  We then went back to the room and laid by our pool until spa time.  Brian got a Thai massage and I got a Swedish massage - both 90 minutes.  I wanted to try the local cuisine, however comma, I was going to let him have a go at it first.
So we go into the spa, they tell us to change.  Since Brian got the "Thai Massage" he got to wear adult PJ's for his experience.  I, on the other hand, was given baby panties to wear.  I am not kidding when I say that these things would barely fit my 2 year old nephew.  Thai people are tiny and that's all I have to say.  So, I wore my own undies...while, I'm sure, I was made fun of in the local tongue while I was getting rubbed down.  BUT...ask me if I cared.  It was fabulous!  At one point, I looked over when I was flipping and Brian had a tiny person walking all over his back, legs and arms.  It did NOT look soothing - and he was sore for the remainder of the vacation.
After the massage, we showered and went to dinner at the hotel.  The restaurant had a single table on the roof at which a couple was dining...I wanted to do that.  We reserved the table for the following night and had dinner that night, I'd say, around 10 feet from the water.  It was amazing.  While we were eating, the Head Chef brought us the menu for the next night (the single table upstairs) to approve.  I told him I wasn't fond of seafood and he promised there would be none.  This place is amazing.
While we were eating, I asked the waiter if he could call the front desk to fill the bath tub...HE DID.  However, when we got home, the water was running cold and we just got in the pool.  Good effort, though! :)
Side note:  If you ever go to Thailand and want red wine, expect it to be cold.  We asked them to keep two bottles out for our rooftop dinner the following night so it would be warm.  ALL wine, and trust me I tried it at more than one place, is served cold in Thailand.

Phuket - Day 1 - Roan, Party of Two

Our evening began in Doha.  It was the first day of the Eid celebrations and, let me just say, the Qataris do NOT mess around when it comes to fire works.  The entire sky was lit up like a lantern and the traffic was at a dead stop heading towards our house.  Our friend Jenne drove us to the airport and was dreading having to sit in that crap, so she took a long way home, albeit much faster.
Our flight left at 11:30pm and we arrived in Mumbai at 7:30am.  With the time change, the flight was 4.5 hours...and it SMELLED.  Some lady was changing her baby's poopy diaper in the row in front of us repeatedly.  Also, they served Indian food as the dinner...the entire plane smelled.  But, to cover the stench, the flight attendants walked through the cabin spraying bathroom spray.  No shit...full on, in your face, Lysol.   They DID, ever so nicely, warn us to cover our faces and close our eyes if we wore contacts, so there's that.
Sidenote:  Mumbai is probably the most poverty-stricken city I have ever seen.  I've seen homeless people and shacks in Texas, but these were on a whole other level.  Their houses, if you want to call them that, were built out of plywood, stacked on top of each other, three or four stories tall.
The next flight was 3.5 hours to Bangkok.  Nothing exciting happened on this flight.  I had an entire row to myself and slept the entire time...so did Brian.  We were wide awake for the last leg of our trip from Bangkok to Phuket.  It was only an hour and I stared out the window the entire time.  It was surreal to see landscape...real, green, rolling hills....with clouds in the sky.
Upon arriving in Phuket, we grabbed our luggage, went outside and waited for what we were told would be a man holding a sign saying, "Roan Party."  There was no man and there definitely was no party.  We had booked through Expedia and luckily, Brian found a man who was the Expedia rep standing outside.  After 45 minutes of him calling everyone and their mother, we get in a car.  So, we start driving...la-dee-dah....Brian looks at his snazzy new iPhone (which I thought was a waste of money) and realizes that we are going the wrong way on the highway.  We were heading south instead of north. My panic button goes off and I start thinking of all the shitty scenarios I read about at JMAS (Embassy school) and in two seconds had come to the conclusion that we were being kidnapped to a pot forest to be held in a mud hut.  I digress. The driver does not speak English and we do not speak Thai.  Brian calls the hotel and makes them talk to the guy and he says he understands...but does not turn around.  OH MY GOD WE ARE BEING KIDNAPPED.  While I'm stewing in my overreaction, Brian uses the Translate app on his iPhone and tells the guy we need to turn around and shows him on the map where we need to go.  LIGHTBULB!  So, we turn around...then he pulls over to the side of the road to call his home base, I suppose, to tell them he's going to take longer.  I think he's calling to tell them he can't kidnap us because we are so difficult.  Either way, in my mind, we were going to be safe....until we sat there for, no shit, 45 minutes.  45, people.  The only good/cool thing about this part was that I saw a baby elephant in the back of a truck.  Finally, I say, "I'm going to call the POLICE if you do not take us to the hotel right now."  The car starts moving and we arrive at the hotel 35 minutes later.  SOOOOOOOOO, 3 hours after we landed, we finally made it to the hotel.
Casa de la Flora, how I miss thee.  It is the nicest, most beautiful hotel I have ever seen.  We had our own house with an Infinity pool which was 5 feet from the beach.  The bathroom had a tub that took 45 minutes to fill, but if you were at dinner and told the waiter you wanted a bath, they would fill it for you so it was full when you got back to the room.  We had dinner, swam in the pool and went to sleep the first night.  We were jet lagging and didn't feel like doing much.  That concludes day 1....more to come soon!  :)