Day 5 was our last day of excursions. We were going elephant trekking and white water rafting. I did NOT want to go rafting, as I had mental pictures of mountains, huge waves, 20 foot drops, being sucked into a hole - never to be seen again, Kevin Bacon kidnapping me on the river and trying to murder me and my family...wait...that was a movie. But you know what I mean. It did not seem like fun, nor did it seem safe to me, but I did it.
Tiger picked us up in his usual garb: white Crocs, white towel on the head, hard hat and hibiscus flower in the collar. Oh man, how I miss that little dude. He put a flower in my seat every morning, which always ended up in my hair and super-wilted by the end of the day. We start our hour-long drive to the raft place and Tiger decides that we need to see a waterfall. It was pretty enough, hanging bridge to walk on and take photos. We were the only ones there until....the pung pois showed up. Tiger quickly took the camera from me and went to town. He would act like he was taking a photo of a plant or rock or bird, but was really taking pictures of the big women, stripping down to take pictures in the waterfall. I think he mentioned a tsunami when they jumped in...he's kind of rude, but there are no big people over there at all, so it's like when we see Yao Ming. He's a giant to us...we are giants to them.
After the photo shoot, we arrive at the raft-rental place. We arrived before the other tourists, so Tiger asked the owner if we could see his elephant. Apparently, the owner had one as a pet. I forget her name, but she was beautiful. I felt bad because her feet were all chained together so she couldn't run off. She knew tricks, though! To say thank you, she would curtsey, cross her legs, bow and blow her trunk. She could also do a hula-hoop on her trunk as well as play the harmonica. She was so sweet and I wanted to take her home, but I doubt I could afford the freight on her. There's that whole, no elephants in your back yard rule, too.
We drive down to the water, or what there was of it. The river was low. Texans, it was low like when you go tubing and you have to walk your ass down the river or scape-your-hiney-the-whole-time-low. I ask Tiger how in the heck we are suppost to raft down this booger. WELLLLL, they open the dam once a day to allow for rafters to have white water. COOL! Except one time a day equals everyone who wants to raft going at the same time. NOT COOL. It was like bumper boats. Seriously, you couldn’t even paddle because there was another raft touching yours. I'd say there were at least 75-100 rafts out there. Since there were four people per raft plus two professionals to keep us afloat, we had another pair with us. They were two guys from China who spoke no English. None. Brian had his GoPro camera strapped to his helmet, so we have the whole thing in HD video. Pretty snazzy, eh? I thought so and so did the Russians, the Chinese, the Arabs and zee Germans that were on the other boats on top of ours. We floated by a boatful of Arab teenagers and I yelled, “Marhaba!” (Means "Hello!") I got the stink eye. Whatevs...they had no idea how "in" with their peeps I really am.
The guides thought is was hilarious to splash all of the rafters with water using their paddles...that water was effing cold and it was not hilarious. Tiger, meanwhile, did not raft with us...he was running down the river taking "action shots" of us....and pung pois (again). Brian said the rapids were Cat 1-2, so they weren't too big, but I ate it a few times and had a butt rash from wearing shorts like a doofus. When the locals who live on the river see the water rise, they come out and make fun of the people in boats. It was pretty funny to see them in their lawn chairs, sitting in front of their rubber tree forest, laughing at us, while their pet elephants roamed around the property. YES, they have wild elephants on their land like we would have cattle or horses. Fun Fact: Elephants can only sleep for 3-4 hours a day. The rest of the time they spend eating. If they sleep too long, their legs will fall asleep and they can't get up. Towards the end, when the water was calmer, the guides let Brian captain the boat and then asked me to tip them. "Miss...miss...you tip us when we get back...money." I guess people don't normally tip them, so they wanted to make sure their hard work was compensated....the splashing and making me miserable and whatnot.
Once we got back, we had lunch without seafood, and saw their mailman. A dude on a moped with two huge bags on either side...like you would see on a motorcyle, but bigger and overstuffed. They guys also brought around the baby elephant mentioned earlier to do his tricks for the entire crowd. I was feeding her some pineapple and the next thing I know, I'm being herded to the side of her and they made me get on her. Those things are prickly and not comfortable, but she was sweet and will forever be known as my favorite pung poi.
After lunch, we were going elephant trekking. The only part of this I enjoyed was when it pooped. I'll get to that in a bit. The "handler" sat on her head, kicked her ears to make her move and stabbed her repeatedly with this hook thingy. I felt so sorry for her. It was hot as hell and the poor thing would stop in every piece of shade could find...again, he would kick her and stab her with the hook to make her move. The last few hundred yards of the trek was up the river, so she was able to stay cool and moved without abuse. She did stop once, though, to relieve herself in the river. I don't know if you have ever seen elephant droppings, but they look like coconuts. She dropped three huge poops into the river and I laughed my ass off while she pooped hers off. Not sure why it was so hilarious, but if you know me, you know I talk about it a lot. This entire paragraph is probably inappropriate, but I'm not known for being so. POOP.
Once we made it back, Brian gave the handler cigarettes for a tip. Those things get you a long way in Thailand. Keep that in mind if you ever go. They work better than they do in prison - not that I would know. Seriously, I wouldn't.
We started heading back to the hotel and Tiger wanted to take us to a really nice beach as our last stop. His friends owned a little cafe on the water. Brian and I walked down the beach and Tiger was our photographer. We climbed palm trees that had fallen over and I fell off. Yes, he got pictures of it...you may or may not get to see them.
We got back to the hotel and said our goodbyes. I'll miss Mr. Tiger "Meow" Woods. He was the BEST and made our experience unforgettable.
Tiger picked us up in his usual garb: white Crocs, white towel on the head, hard hat and hibiscus flower in the collar. Oh man, how I miss that little dude. He put a flower in my seat every morning, which always ended up in my hair and super-wilted by the end of the day. We start our hour-long drive to the raft place and Tiger decides that we need to see a waterfall. It was pretty enough, hanging bridge to walk on and take photos. We were the only ones there until....the pung pois showed up. Tiger quickly took the camera from me and went to town. He would act like he was taking a photo of a plant or rock or bird, but was really taking pictures of the big women, stripping down to take pictures in the waterfall. I think he mentioned a tsunami when they jumped in...he's kind of rude, but there are no big people over there at all, so it's like when we see Yao Ming. He's a giant to us...we are giants to them.
After the photo shoot, we arrive at the raft-rental place. We arrived before the other tourists, so Tiger asked the owner if we could see his elephant. Apparently, the owner had one as a pet. I forget her name, but she was beautiful. I felt bad because her feet were all chained together so she couldn't run off. She knew tricks, though! To say thank you, she would curtsey, cross her legs, bow and blow her trunk. She could also do a hula-hoop on her trunk as well as play the harmonica. She was so sweet and I wanted to take her home, but I doubt I could afford the freight on her. There's that whole, no elephants in your back yard rule, too.
We drive down to the water, or what there was of it. The river was low. Texans, it was low like when you go tubing and you have to walk your ass down the river or scape-your-hiney-the-whole-time-low. I ask Tiger how in the heck we are suppost to raft down this booger. WELLLLL, they open the dam once a day to allow for rafters to have white water. COOL! Except one time a day equals everyone who wants to raft going at the same time. NOT COOL. It was like bumper boats. Seriously, you couldn’t even paddle because there was another raft touching yours. I'd say there were at least 75-100 rafts out there. Since there were four people per raft plus two professionals to keep us afloat, we had another pair with us. They were two guys from China who spoke no English. None. Brian had his GoPro camera strapped to his helmet, so we have the whole thing in HD video. Pretty snazzy, eh? I thought so and so did the Russians, the Chinese, the Arabs and zee Germans that were on the other boats on top of ours. We floated by a boatful of Arab teenagers and I yelled, “Marhaba!” (Means "Hello!") I got the stink eye. Whatevs...they had no idea how "in" with their peeps I really am.
The guides thought is was hilarious to splash all of the rafters with water using their paddles...that water was effing cold and it was not hilarious. Tiger, meanwhile, did not raft with us...he was running down the river taking "action shots" of us....and pung pois (again). Brian said the rapids were Cat 1-2, so they weren't too big, but I ate it a few times and had a butt rash from wearing shorts like a doofus. When the locals who live on the river see the water rise, they come out and make fun of the people in boats. It was pretty funny to see them in their lawn chairs, sitting in front of their rubber tree forest, laughing at us, while their pet elephants roamed around the property. YES, they have wild elephants on their land like we would have cattle or horses. Fun Fact: Elephants can only sleep for 3-4 hours a day. The rest of the time they spend eating. If they sleep too long, their legs will fall asleep and they can't get up. Towards the end, when the water was calmer, the guides let Brian captain the boat and then asked me to tip them. "Miss...miss...you tip us when we get back...money." I guess people don't normally tip them, so they wanted to make sure their hard work was compensated....the splashing and making me miserable and whatnot.
Once we got back, we had lunch without seafood, and saw their mailman. A dude on a moped with two huge bags on either side...like you would see on a motorcyle, but bigger and overstuffed. They guys also brought around the baby elephant mentioned earlier to do his tricks for the entire crowd. I was feeding her some pineapple and the next thing I know, I'm being herded to the side of her and they made me get on her. Those things are prickly and not comfortable, but she was sweet and will forever be known as my favorite pung poi.
After lunch, we were going elephant trekking. The only part of this I enjoyed was when it pooped. I'll get to that in a bit. The "handler" sat on her head, kicked her ears to make her move and stabbed her repeatedly with this hook thingy. I felt so sorry for her. It was hot as hell and the poor thing would stop in every piece of shade could find...again, he would kick her and stab her with the hook to make her move. The last few hundred yards of the trek was up the river, so she was able to stay cool and moved without abuse. She did stop once, though, to relieve herself in the river. I don't know if you have ever seen elephant droppings, but they look like coconuts. She dropped three huge poops into the river and I laughed my ass off while she pooped hers off. Not sure why it was so hilarious, but if you know me, you know I talk about it a lot. This entire paragraph is probably inappropriate, but I'm not known for being so. POOP.
Once we made it back, Brian gave the handler cigarettes for a tip. Those things get you a long way in Thailand. Keep that in mind if you ever go. They work better than they do in prison - not that I would know. Seriously, I wouldn't.
We started heading back to the hotel and Tiger wanted to take us to a really nice beach as our last stop. His friends owned a little cafe on the water. Brian and I walked down the beach and Tiger was our photographer. We climbed palm trees that had fallen over and I fell off. Yes, he got pictures of it...you may or may not get to see them.
We got back to the hotel and said our goodbyes. I'll miss Mr. Tiger "Meow" Woods. He was the BEST and made our experience unforgettable.
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